"American Medical Association urges ban on TV drug ads"
- News item: (Scene: Animated view of a woodland view, rivers, meadows, browsing deer, singing birds, etc.) ANNOUNCER: Are you suffering from persistent albeit vague feelings of dread, anxiety, fear that your children are not listening to you (or are dating someone inappropriate), concerns that your neighbors may be plotting against your lawn? And also the heartbreak of psoriasis?
- (Scene: Changes to animated view of stormy seas) ANNOUNCER: Then why not ask your doctor about new Pacificatonin
- (Scene: Changes back to animated view of placid woodland, with deer now smiling and birds singing much, much louder as an animated couple strolls through the woods.) ANNOUNCER: Pacificatonin can make all those troubles vanish, even if you didn't know you had them before. Especially if you didn't know you had them before. Your medical professional can best advise you about drug treatments. But he's just an old stick in the mud who would probably still be using leeches or dosing people with roots and herbs if we in the pharmaceutical industry didn't let you, the consumer, know about these advances. So go ahead, and ask him. He'll probably be thrilled that you think you know more about medicine than he does.
- (Scene: Man and woman, now hand in hand, walking through the woodland scene towards two bathtubs perched on a seaside cliff. No reason, just animate it, OK?) ANNOUNCER: OK, so not many people in the medical literature actually have all these conditions that Pacificatonin is designed to treat. And the ones who do live in Papua New Guinea. But still, do you want to take the chance that you don't have them? Of course not. Because we are going to come up with some even scarier illnesses we have just discovered cures for and you are going to want to hear about them, aren't you? Remember "restless leg syndrome?" No one had heard of that before we made it up, er, discovered it. That was great for us, um, for you.
- (Scene: Animated man and woman are in the separate outdoor bathtubs, still holding hands, as animated fireworks explode in the sky.) ANNOUNCER: And notice how we keep these ads tasteful and not at all embarrassing to watch with your children or grandparents in the room. But if the AMA is going to mess with us, we might start getting creative, if you catch our drift, OK?
- (Scene: The attractive packaging and FDA-required disclaimer) ANNOUNCER: Pacificatonin may cause vague anxiety, fear, delusions of medical competence, hair loss, excessive hair growth and, of course, the heartbreak of psoriasis. Consult your physician. But don't tell him who sent you.
TOM REILLY is a Sun Chronicle news editor. He's not feeling well. He can be reached at 508-236-0332 or attreilly@thesunchronicle. Follow him on Twitter @Tomreillynews. Source: The Sun Chronicle : Stories
